I've no idea what day of lockdown it is. Is it still lockdown? I can barely see evidence of that. Other than masks and sanitisation paraphernalia everywhere I gi, life seems to have gone back to normal. Now just for rhe kids to go back to school.

Still, I have no idea what day of lockdown it is and I'm not feeling particularly driven to know where we are in this journey. I feel a certain freedom in that.

Time is no longer a tyrant running my day and my mind. I do things as and when it's my time to it. Electronic reminders help and the progress of the day shapes my priorities.

Sometimes I do feel that I might need to know which day it is or where in the month or week we are, but in those moments I realise that it's my need to predict, anticipate and control something that peaks my need to know.

Lockdown has for me, been one big experiment with releasing the need for control. In my little bubble, I am protecting my immune system from a viral assualt on the one hand, and on the other hand, I am strengthening my psyche's freedom from its addiction to control.

As much as I had enjoyed writing them, I've not written in the Covid Chronicles for some weeks now, but the patterns of my days have held. Journaling has kept me sane, and on the periods of time where I've let my journaling slip, I've taken a walk to the dark side, where the gremlins of my mind wreak havoc and take their toll. I'm learning that my journal is not only a great confidant, but also a healer and a truth teller. My journal holds to account the terrors that my mental and emotional gremlins wish to impose on me and reveal them for the tricksters that they are.

My journal is where I'm reminded of the beauty and the grace I am surrounded by. In the garden of my mind! It helps me see not weeds, but beautiful wild flowers. In fact, I've come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as a weed. A weed is just something that lies outside the design a gardener had in mind. But if the gardener frees him or herself of the design, all things that grow are beautiful.

The garden of my mind is flourishing. Nothing is as I had wanted it to be in this glorious glorious 2020. And yet, with everything as it is, I embrace it, and it is magical.

Despite the perceived tyranny of this year, we've been blessed with such incredibly merciful kindnesses.

In my home, my children enjoy a day of learning, companionship, play and industrious. They don't complain. I can't recall when last they've nagged for anything. I've promised them that we'll walk outside on 1 June, and they revelled in the idea of this outing. Since then, they've gone on mini-excursions in our neighbourhood and have runs errands to our local grocer. I'm fascinated by them. They're not wanting this, or wanting that. Not even a request for fast food. They've not asked about new clothes. Stuff has lost its currency with them. This is a beautiful by-product of this lockdown. I hope it stays, or at the very least remains a part of who they are beyond the lockdown.

Ghaalieb's lost business pivoted. Our frustration with face masks and how much fidgeting on our faces it resulted in sent him researching alternatives. We tried face shield and knew it was a game changer. So he was back in business and his energy has remained healthy and grounded and energized. He is at his best when he is doing online sleuthing, finding the best deal and creating value for others. It's also opening him to an industry that's hitherto been concealed from his consciousness. I can almost see new connections popping in his mind. It's such a privilege to see him thrive, especially given that the lockdown had all but killed his waterproofing and renovations business.

Of course, in the past week, he has made his way back to waterproofing and renovations, and despite considerable pain that he is in as a result of recent injuries (that's a whole other story!), he seems to be having a ball.

We've been gifted many kindnesses, big and small. Our Lekkerstuff customers have been loyal to a fault. Some time back, we were supplying savories which were a total hit. And then, my aunt who supplies us, had a horrific heart attack and her recovery has been slow. And now, in this very moment when our customers are hounding us for those delicious savories, my Aunt has found her second wind and is churning the stuff out at speed and at volume. I can't believe the synchronicity and I marvel at the fact that our customers didn't simply find another place to get their savories from.

Over this lockdown, we've been gifted many many kindnesses. The synchronicity of some of them boggles my mind. We've been gifted lemons by our fear friend Riedwaan. He dropped it off at our gate. What he was totally unaware of was that on the day he dropped them I needed them and was dreading the thought of going to the shops. His timing was miraculous.

My daughter was craving some art supplies to sketch with. Her supply had run out. I asked online where I could buy some given the lockdown. Not only did I get a load of great ideas and available suppliers, but my beautiful friend, Jacqueline, not only graciously offered hers, but brought to us and, at the gate, treated me to delicious conversation. Conversation that meandered into wonderful worlds that have been so removed from my reality these past few weeks.

As my skin started to burn from the dry highveld cold, Ghaalieb's friend, Ismail gives him a tub of pure shea butter and bee balm. Just what we needed.

Even our koesisters supplier had decided to come back online, despite some complex challenges on her end. She does the koesisters to our specifications. And our Lekkerstuff customers love them. Ghaalieb's been directing them elsewhere, but they've been 'threatening' him. Apparently he started their addiction and he is now obliged to maintain it. Apparently he had been issued a 1 May ultimatum. Thankfully he was able ro meet it. And now, it looks like he will meet their addiction and he will be saved.

The leaves outside are dropping fast and furiously. Yet, they're being swept into heaps. By whom? I dont know.

I've been doing my resilience and resourcefulness sessions online, and somehow, these have drawn such beautiful opportunities my way and brought greater clarity to me about my business.

No pushing, no fussing, no trying to control. Just ease. And so much has flowed to us, I cant stop marveling at it.

I had big ambitions for 2020. Despite the lockdown, none of them seem to be compromised. The biggest of my ambitions was to build a more loving, empowered relationship with myself. Through my journaling practice, this ambition is flourishing far beyond my wildest dreams. I'm learning to sit In kind conversation with myself. The more I speak my thoughts and my fears, the more I happen upon the light that lives in me and around me. It's so fascinating to me; my fears are never far away from me, yet I feel soothed.

Was this God's intention? I have this bizarre mad, Pinky and the Brain idea that passes through my mind occasionally. I had asked for release of the need to control things. I had asked for the sweet embrace of ease. I had prayed for the ideal of surrender to drop from my mind to my essence. I had asked for the privilege to dwell life in a state of faith. I had asked for my children to be awakened to the realities of the world and to have a curiosity about social sytems.

If this pandemic was created to answer my prayers, I think it's a bit over-the-top, but I'll take it.

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