It's the beginning of a new lockdown week. For a while the apocalyptic feeling had left me, but today it was back. A tightness in my throat and a weariness in my back. This is a lot. As much as home is lovely and tranquil, it's also a bit like being stranded on an island, without escape. I really am enjoying the kids, even meditating their disputes from time to time. Sometimes it even feels like we have 3 or 4 kids in the house when Adam group calls with his friends. That boy is always on the phone; always on speaker phone. Constantly walking and talking. I also do enjoy connecting online. My friends absolutely entertain me; hopefully I entertain them too. Client meetings online have been a wonderful respite; sometimes even utterley inspired and illuminating. But this is just a lot. Maybe my gloom is a reflection of the weather. The sky is a thick deep gray. It's been raining practically non-stop for two days now. We need the rain for sure, but I'm yearning for even just a sliver of blue sky; for even just half an hour. Actually, my favourite thing about Johannesburg is the weather. The refreshing summer rains, and the lightning storms. The blue skies in winter. But this weather is strange. It's more like Cape Town rain in July. Unceasing and cold. Maybe my gloom is also a reflection of the inertia I was in today. I did nada. Zilch. At 12 I was still lolling around, doing a bit of tidying up, but not much more than that. It's the small Eid today. But it's a strange and displaced small Eid. Without the attendance of Jummua, the day is odd and all our ceremonies associated with the day appear to be displaced too. There was no after Jummua family lunch, which is something I really pride our household on. Life after corporate has allowed us to create this tradition for ourselves. Its been 5 years of this tradition. So its absence feels odd.
This brought on a host of other anxieties. We start fasting shortly after lockdown. What if lockdown is extended into the fast? What if we don't get to attend our first Taraawih? The taraawih that sets the mind on a course to reconnect with self and equally with the great mankind? The taraawih that makes me feel as if my soul is radiating outside of me with bright luminosity. After 3, Ghaalieb and I settled in front of the tv. We wanted the monkeys to join us. Adam was having none of it. Amaanah humoured us. But her irritation was palpable. She sat with us, doing some art. Any inappropriate language coming from the screen elicited growls from her and pursed lips and scrunched eyes. We released the poor thing from captivity. She bounded away like a relieved giselle.
It was nice spacing out in front of the tv with Ghaalieb. We had both skipped both breakfast and lunch, so we were snack. Too lazy to organize a meal, we munched on whatever was at hand.
The vegetable soup was my first go-to. Then some chocolate and some chips. Ghaalieb interrupted my junk food orgy. So I settled in with a good mug of coffee instead.
As evening approached I had to negotiate with myself. I still didn't feel like cooking, but I was sure I wanted to make something.
With inspired gusto, I launched into bread making mode. I was hitherto unaware that I had that setting. I'd never made bread before. I lie. I did. Once. One of those pre-packaged recipe jobbies. It had come out as hard as a brick! So I abandoned any notions of bread making. Until today.
Noha Essop had done a bread online. Inspired, I followed her recipe and viola!
I have a bread making setting!!! I swear was so easy to make. Despite the fact that the yeast I had used was prehistoric, it rose beautifully under the duvet and baked in a jiffy.
I made bread 💃🏽💃🏽💃🏽💃🏽💃🏽 A Lekker, tasty bread. With Soutvleis. Jassis! was could be lekkerer than that! This Kaapie was happy. Ghaalieb was another happy Kaapie. He pronounced it to be Labarang [Eid]
Another frontier in my mind smashed! Whilst my bread making was rewarding it was accompanied by complex emotions. Sadness because my dad is not here to serve it to. Guilt. Why do I get to make bread in the comfort of my home whilst their is a hungry household somewhere out there? Powerlessness because there is so much to do, and here I am lolling about the house pottering in the kitchen. Is that actually ok? The closest I come to helping is to make donations. Is that seriously enough? I feel the need to connect and to reach out. To support and to encourage. But I am playing housy-housy instead. WTF!!! What a freaking anticlimactic crisis response. Come on! Movies continued into the night. The kids did their thing, games, chats and their own tv shows. Amaanah was upset that no-one was claiming her art. I promised to frame it; and I will. As soon as this damn lockdown is done.
I am so grateful for the feedback to this diary blog. Sometimes I feel like I am droning on about nothingness. But that's not true. Our lives are made up of the simple moments. I am so proud that Ghaalieb and I have created safe space for our children who are not experiencing this lockdown with needles stress. Our energy in the home is healthy. Even the aggro moments are dealt with in respectful ways. We teach when opportunity arises. We're creating structure and we hold ourselves and the children to accountabilities. I've seen their growth and competence in domestic responsibility. These are critical life skills that is going to serve them throughout their lives. I've seen my own growth. The nothingness is filled with nuances that I am learning and growing from. All of life has value. When we put on the lenses that allow us to perceive value, we see value. The closeness we are cultivating as a family to each other, to our respective families, to our friends, to our Creator. For the most part, we feel peace and grace. Granted, today, lockdown fatigue has me crawling the proverbial walls. But on a whole, this lockdown period is a gift. And I remind myself to not diminish the experience. I remind you to not diminish your lockdown experience either. If you feel the need for some support in this tumultuous time, please check out my free sessions next week. Connect To Your Vision: https://www.newhabits.co.za/post/connecting-with-your-vision-tuesday-7-april-11-00-13-00
Resilience & Resourcefulness: https://www.newhabits.co.za/post/resilience-resourcefulness-session