This was a post from my birthday.
Today is my birthday.
The first day of the last year of this decade of my life.
It is unsurprising that this has been a time of deep contemplation for me. I marvel at the fact that I still wonder what I am going to be when I grow up. I still wrestle with the question ‘who am I?’ This is the eternal question. Evergreen.
There have been times when I knew the answer to that question with unwavering absoluteness.
The past 7 years … not so much. I’ve frequently felt lost in the desert, blinded at times by darkness, blinded at times by sandstorms. And blinded at times by the light itself.
And now, I am so happy and grateful for these lost years. It has taken me on a journey away from my false idols and impotent goals.
And now, I am happy and grateful for this time of introspection and discovery and of re-rooting myself in my relationship with myself. I finally feel capable of surrendering to the emergence that has been beckoning me. I feel ready to let go of old stories and to relieve myself of an identity that has been my Achilles heel for a lifetime.
You see, for a long time, I felt like I had to have all my ducks in a row before I could contribute anything meaningful, before I could be open, before I could share my writing, before I could be respected, before I could feel like I was enough.
I thought I needed to reach a point of total overcoming, a point of being an “expert”, a point of never messing up, and a point of knowing more than I do to be worthy of sharing my voice, my work, and my ideas. This has kept me small, and it made me terrified of being truly seen.
Despite all I know intellectually, I have been hamstrung by a pattern of thoughts, feelings, and nervous system reactions. By comparisons, and by my narrowly constructed ideas about what I am capable of, and about whether or not there is room for me at the table, about whether or not I can actually do the things I feel called to do.
I will never have my ducks in a row. Never. Ever.
There will never be a point where I have it all figured out, or where I can perfectly utilize all the tools I know of, or where I can be immune to the harshness of being alive.
I will never be anything other than human.
I have finally integrated the fact that I don’t need to reach a certain point to show up. This is the me that is needed. The one that is not flawless, that does not have all the answers, that makes mistakes and that stumbles in the direction of her dreams.
It so simple. Without the complications of my critical, fearful mind, all I need to do is to allow my whole, true self to arrive. What I offer from this place is meaningful. It is sufficient.
And, as I forgo my distraction with perfection, flawlessness, cleverness, and missteps, I remember my own goodness, my truest self; who I am.
So, as I cast my mind to my intentions and agenda for this last year of this decade of my life, I share my wish for you - my fellow whole and imperfect human who doesn’t have all your ducks in a row, who makes mistakes, who isn’t always sure about how to handle what life throws your way:
Claim the life you yearn for.
It won’t be given to you.
Not because you are not deserving of it, but because the quest itself is what shapes you into the person who lives that reality that you desire.
Will there be pain? Will there be discomfort? Yes. Move forward anyway. You’ve got this.
Claim your seat at the table. Don’t be intimidated by the table. There is a good chance that the table needs you more than you need it.
Claim your space as you are.
That’s your superpower!